My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
