You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
