hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
