so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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