just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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