He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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