My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
