My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
