just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
