Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
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I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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