Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
