woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
