I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Did you just see the Batmobile???
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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