using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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