Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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