I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
