I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
