There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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