All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
