the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
