had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize