Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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