I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
