when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
