all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
