You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
