I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
