i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
