the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
