and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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