i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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