i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
