my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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