You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need a beard to bite.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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