i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
