i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
