I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
