I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
