Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
