sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
