even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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