if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
