So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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