Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
