i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
