who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Never underestimate the power of titties
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
