We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
