The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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