This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
