Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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