For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
