Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
