I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
