Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize