I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
