Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
