Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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