Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
