this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
